Friday, August 29, 2014


At times I wonder
if I die tomorrow
Would it have mattered that I was here?

Two years of faltering
Bearing witness
coming up short

I returned from India in 2004
Watched Hotel Rwanda
Cried for two hours

Why did we do nothing!!@!@
They were dying

And we sat here, doing nothing

That moment the roots entwined with the bedrock

God had planted a seed six years earlier
a Mark 8 bible study and a word just for me
He watered it with every year of faith
Fed it in Inglewood
Pruned it into a vision in India
but it was that moment, watching that movie, that the roots grabbed bedrock that they could never let go

I will not sit here while they die there
even if all I can do is stand in front of a machete and say NO!
become one more life cut down
I will do it
in the hope that my life given, my “No” voiced, would inspire one more crack in the dam
one more witness
one more NO!
Because Jesus didn't stand in the gap, refuse to strike, love the other, impale on a cross
so we could sit here in a backed-up reservoir of “God's provision”
while billions suffer in a dried out desert below
begging for the scraps that fall off of our table.
[Face contorted. Sob into my mat. Choking on it]

I want.
To crack.
This dam.

I would die for that.

And when I set my hand to that plow
I never, ever thought of turning back.

But an outcome I never considered
What if
[Sobs again. Mouth open. Shoulders wracked. Get my head under the mat. Dont wake them up. Don't let them hear.]
What if I got here
stood in front of the machete
and its wielder, the true enemy, just smiled and passed me by
What if I didn't die?
and they still did.
The father. The uncle. The teenager. The neighbor. The baby.
and I did nothing
nothing that made a difference
And they still died.

I know that if I am faithful for ten years, it will make a difference
in a life. or a thousand. or ten
but what if I die tomorrow?
what if I don't get ten years?
do I know how long I have to watch them die around me?

my little crack in the dam
dries up before the water can even reach the ground
and no one looks to make any more cracks

This is reality
we are here

We are here.
God is Faithful.

We are here.
Come, Lord Jesus, come.

I might die tomorrow
and I know that's not the worst thing that can happen
because I already see worse now

The text read “baby died”
And there was nothing I could have done
nothing I could do

so tonight I cry


Anonymous said...

WOW. God be with you, brother. God be with you and all of them. & I pray I may be used by God like you.

Anonymous said...

God sees.
We're with you.
Blessed are those who morn.
Come, Lord Jesus!