Questions near the end

I saw him as I reached the top of the overpass. My mind registered “kid” and I knew I wasn’t going to give him anything. As I walked by I noticed he was older, old enough maybe to be on his own, and looked like he needed real help. I said “sawadee khrap” and he wai’d me, bending over at the waist. As I walked by I thought, “Okay, so I don’t give to kids because they’re part of rackets, or being taken advantage of by adults…but I can’t let that kid just sit there.” I was going to 7-11, so I got him a juice. I have a little rule of always getting something that costs more than what I’m getting myself, but it’s really meaningless and self-deceiving when you realize that 49 times out of 50 I buy myself food without getting anyone else anything at all. On my way back over I asked him if he wanted it and he nodded. As I reached the end of the overpass I peeked back and he was sucking away at the straw already. I turned down the stairs and broke to pieces inside. Why does he have to be there? Why can I do so little? And why do I fall apart now when this is happening all over the city every day?


At first glance I wondered why he was begging. He looked to be in his 30s, seemed to be eating plenty, why doesn’t he have a job? Then I noticed the deep indentation in his head, as big as a fist. Where did that come from? How does that happen to someone? Why are there so many people with such severe disabilities here? How will he have any other option than begging? The Catholic Church is doing impressive work with a couple quality education/work skills centers, but it’s like a drop in the bucket among the millions in Southeast Asia with serious disabilities. I gave him 40 baht, little more than a dollar, yet something I rarely do. As I dropped it in I saw only a few coins in the cup.

I always thought of him as the out-of-place looking guy in the church. Everyone else was so young, hip, westernized, while he was older, dressed different, walked stiffly. I thought he came from a different culture than many of the other members and from a lower social class. Only once did I ever talk to him, and very briefly at that. Then last week he walked over to us and gave us an umbrella. Why did he gift us like that? How are we of all people the ones who deserve a new umbrella? And how could he have possibly have known that my umbrella had just fallen apart the Tuesday before?

We went up and down the streets for the second time in three weeks. We walked by the park, checked the overpasses, combed the aisles of the 7-11’s. We talked to the kids who washed windows and even went down the red-light district that he eventually showed up in the last time this happened. After a couple hours we gave up. He’s only 11, but this isn’t close to being the first night he’s spent alone on the streets. We prayed against the predators, for food, shelter, and safety, and just asked that he’d make it through another night. I don’t know when this will end. Sometimes when you ask the same thing too many times the questions start to dry up.

It will not be so among you

One day back when I taught in jail, I mentioned that I was under 6’1”. The men in the class interrupted the story with disbelief. “Six foot one? No way. You’re way taller than that!” I asked them how tall they thought I was, and they thought it was around 6’4”. One student, a young man of about my age, said, “I’m six foot three, and you’re definitely taller than me.”

I figured that could settle it, so I had the student come up and stand next to me. Even though I had the advantage of shoes (inmates in jail are effectively shoeless), he clearly stretched out a couple inches above me. Everyone was surprised, and I took it as a teachable moment about power dynamics and how they change perception.


My position in the classroom gave me an outsized appearance of power, an effect so strong that it altered the physical impression of how big I was. Part of this effect has a physical source – the fact that I can wear shoes and have “outside” clothing makes me stand out over the slipper-wearing, uniformly-dressed inmates. (Read about the famous Stanford Prison Experiment for more insights on the effect of this power dynamic.) But a lot of it is just psychological. I had the power. I was the authority. They were the inmates. They couldn’t even go to the restroom without asking, and at any moment I could kick them out of school permanently or even get them sent to solitary confinement with just one word. My position of power was so great in their eyes that it manifested itself in an exaggeration of my physical stature.

I need to remember this story because the same dynamic occurs in less obvious ways in many other relationships. When we go out to do service, how often do we end up in a position of power over the ones we are there to serve? Are we always in a position to give materially, making others feel ashamed to always be the ones to receive? Are we always teaching, therefore acting as the intellectual and spiritual superiors, and not putting ourselves in a position to be taught? Do we ever find ourselves using our age, our years of experience, our education, our leadership position, our credentials, our fluency in English, or even our race or nationality as a bludgeon to help us assert our authority in a situation? Or do we subconsciously see ourselves as better than another based on one of those things, potentially allowing it to manifest itself in subtle ways in our actions?

Jesus taught his disciples not to be like that. He taught them that it was good to wash another’s feet, and good to allow your feet to be washed. He taught them that it was essential to give aid to the poor wandering messengers of God’s truth, and commanded them be those poor wandering messengers who would rely on the aid of others as well. He taught them to be served as guests in the homes of “sinners”, to give feasts to those who couldn't reciprocate, to associate side-by-side with women who prostitute and men with leprosy, and to make even the littlest children the focus of their full attention. He taught them to throw away the way the world uses power, and to understand a whole new system of the upside-down Kingdom power.

Lord, I want to be a servant among the poor, not just to the poor. Teach me to consider all others better than myself and to submit to those who I would be reluctant to trust. Help me to learn how much you have to teach me through the words and lives of those who don’t have the world’s authority, but have your blessing. Give me true humility in all my relationships. And may all those who interact with me find more dignity and greater self-image after they see me than they did before.


“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them. It will not be so among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be your slave;” Matthew 20:25-27, Mark 10:42-44

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves.” – Philippians 2:3

“The greatest among you will be your servant. All who exalt themselves will be humbled, and all who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23:11-12 (see also Mark 9:35, 10:31, Matthew 19:30, 23:11-12, Luke 13:30, 14:11)

“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.” Matthew 5:5

“Woe to you Pharisees! For you love to have the seat of honor in the synagogues and to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces.” Luke 11:44

"So he said to them, "You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of others; but God knows your hearts; for what is prized by human beings is an abomination in the sight of God." Luke 16:15

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 18:5 (see also Mark 9:37, 10:14, Luke 9:48, 18:7, Matthew 18:6)

“So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have set you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you.” John 13:14-15

“Consider your own call, brothers and sisters: not many of you were wise by human standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, so that no one might boast in the presence of God.” 1 Corinthians 1:26-29 (see also 3:18-23)

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21

“Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are.” Romans 12:16

“If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23