I ask her how she's feeling and get a sarcastic response. Our mutual friend berates me for even asking - of course she's not doing well. I rephrase the question - is she feeling light-headed, dizzy? She is. I make sure she gets more water. I ask her if I can touch her foot and she gives me permission. Someone reminds me that this is a gloves situation and they hunt down a pair for me. I take off the ad hoc wrappings and begin to apply my own. I think about cleaning the wound, but the large amount of blood on the floor concerns me and I decide that blood loss management has to take priority over infection for the moment. I secure the bandage, get her foot elevated, and begin applying pressure to the wound, then ask her if she's comfortable taking the tourniquet off her ankle now. To my relief she obliges - at first she had been too afraid that the heavy bleeding would resume. I ask if she can wiggle her toes and she can. We keep the foot elevated with my pressure on it and encourage her to drink more water. I continue to ask her questions to make sure she's staying conscious and coherent. I pray that she'll stay stable until the ambulance comes and takes her to the hospital. The strong pulse that I begin to feel in her foot as blood soaks into the bandage again gives me comfort.
The ambulance arrives, but the paramedics are a little slow to react to the situation. Since they can't get the stretcher in close enough (too much blood and broken glass), I ask her if I can help her up, and end up lifting and carrying her to the ambulance. They begin to place her in but I've already turned around and begun removing my gloves in the proscribed non-contaminating manner. In a surreal moment I toss them on the floor in the middle of the blood and glass and everything else - can't think of a better place to put them for now. I go back outside for a moment and make sure the paramedics have been informed of the significant details of the situation. They have. There's discussion of who will go with them to the hospital but I'm not paying attention. I don't remember what happens next, but I'm not outside and I'm not looking when the ambulance leaves. The last memory I have of her is making eye contact as she thanks me just after I've set her down into the wheelchair/stretcher. I know our friend was there too, but I can barely remember.
As they left, I realized that I'd likely never see them again.
I wrote that over a week ago, the day after those events happened. I was trying to process what just happened and how I was feeling about it. I didn't send it to anyone at the time because I was having enough difficulty understanding all of my thoughts myself that I didn't feel okay having others read what I was thinking yet.
My writing continued:
At that time following my first aid training and the correct safety protocols felt more important than my own emotional response. That suppression has made it more difficult for me as I try to deal with my feelings now. Last night was one of the worst nights of sleep in my life. The hallucinations (note: my confused waking-dream state I get at night when I'm very sick or under severe stress) were heavy, far worse than I've had in a long time. After many hours of sleeplessness and tossing and turning and hallucinating and mosquito bites, a massive thunderstorm hit and the loudest thunderbolts I have ever heard began booming outside my window. In a way it was a comfort - at least now I had a reason for not falling asleep, and the fury of the storm made me feel like God was acknowledging the turmoil that had just happened and heaven was raging too. In my sleep-deprived state of hyper-attribution, it also worried me, because the violence of the storm felt like a confirmation of the seriousness of the events.
Today I prayed for good news, but when bad news came back I realized that I did not feel disappointment - I already assumed the news would be bad, and good news would have been the shocking surprise. At about the same time I accidentally saw their pictures from just a day earlier - I almost cried. I've had five or six "almost cries" already, but did not release my first tears until an hour ago. There will be more.
I wish I could share more with all of you, but there are many reasons why I cannot, so for now you have to be content with just hearing my feelings. It was hard for me even to say this much - for most of the time since this happened I've been focusing on anything but that, distracting myself with news and sports and other duties here. Please pray for them, and pray for me and the rest of the team here as well. A lot has happened in the 1.5 weeks since I wrote that down, and in many ways we are moving on, but that doesn't change how significantly difficult their situation is, how much it was exacerbated last week, and how much it affected all of us. God is their only hope, and my limited mind is still having trouble feeling secure in that hope.
As a final thought - I know that many of my feelings, most importantly my feelings of borderline despondency and lack of hope, are seriously misplaced. They are in part the result of a major exaggeration of our significance. I can fall pray to the assumption that we are saviors, that our influence is vital under these particular conditions and that the new set of conditions precludes any hope of them, as my friend would say, "finding my happy days". (Lord, please, be with them) I know that is not true - there is one Savior, and he completed His saving work that I may know that I don't have to. Our trust is in Him. In Him we have hope. Thank you for praying.
The ambulance arrives, but the paramedics are a little slow to react to the situation. Since they can't get the stretcher in close enough (too much blood and broken glass), I ask her if I can help her up, and end up lifting and carrying her to the ambulance. They begin to place her in but I've already turned around and begun removing my gloves in the proscribed non-contaminating manner. In a surreal moment I toss them on the floor in the middle of the blood and glass and everything else - can't think of a better place to put them for now. I go back outside for a moment and make sure the paramedics have been informed of the significant details of the situation. They have. There's discussion of who will go with them to the hospital but I'm not paying attention. I don't remember what happens next, but I'm not outside and I'm not looking when the ambulance leaves. The last memory I have of her is making eye contact as she thanks me just after I've set her down into the wheelchair/stretcher. I know our friend was there too, but I can barely remember.
As they left, I realized that I'd likely never see them again.
I wrote that over a week ago, the day after those events happened. I was trying to process what just happened and how I was feeling about it. I didn't send it to anyone at the time because I was having enough difficulty understanding all of my thoughts myself that I didn't feel okay having others read what I was thinking yet.
My writing continued:
At that time following my first aid training and the correct safety protocols felt more important than my own emotional response. That suppression has made it more difficult for me as I try to deal with my feelings now. Last night was one of the worst nights of sleep in my life. The hallucinations (note: my confused waking-dream state I get at night when I'm very sick or under severe stress) were heavy, far worse than I've had in a long time. After many hours of sleeplessness and tossing and turning and hallucinating and mosquito bites, a massive thunderstorm hit and the loudest thunderbolts I have ever heard began booming outside my window. In a way it was a comfort - at least now I had a reason for not falling asleep, and the fury of the storm made me feel like God was acknowledging the turmoil that had just happened and heaven was raging too. In my sleep-deprived state of hyper-attribution, it also worried me, because the violence of the storm felt like a confirmation of the seriousness of the events.
Today I prayed for good news, but when bad news came back I realized that I did not feel disappointment - I already assumed the news would be bad, and good news would have been the shocking surprise. At about the same time I accidentally saw their pictures from just a day earlier - I almost cried. I've had five or six "almost cries" already, but did not release my first tears until an hour ago. There will be more.
I wish I could share more with all of you, but there are many reasons why I cannot, so for now you have to be content with just hearing my feelings. It was hard for me even to say this much - for most of the time since this happened I've been focusing on anything but that, distracting myself with news and sports and other duties here. Please pray for them, and pray for me and the rest of the team here as well. A lot has happened in the 1.5 weeks since I wrote that down, and in many ways we are moving on, but that doesn't change how significantly difficult their situation is, how much it was exacerbated last week, and how much it affected all of us. God is their only hope, and my limited mind is still having trouble feeling secure in that hope.
As a final thought - I know that many of my feelings, most importantly my feelings of borderline despondency and lack of hope, are seriously misplaced. They are in part the result of a major exaggeration of our significance. I can fall pray to the assumption that we are saviors, that our influence is vital under these particular conditions and that the new set of conditions precludes any hope of them, as my friend would say, "finding my happy days". (Lord, please, be with them) I know that is not true - there is one Savior, and he completed His saving work that I may know that I don't have to. Our trust is in Him. In Him we have hope. Thank you for praying.
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